Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Troll 2 (1990)

Yes, within a matter of minutes I am going from Gone With the Wind to Troll 2. Easily one of the worst films ever made, it features no actual trolls, horrible acting, dialogue and an erotic scene featuring a corncob and popcorn.

The film follows young Joshua Waits, a troubled young boy who is having a hard time dealing with the death of his Grandpa Seth. Part of the reason is that Grandpa Seth appears to him from beyond the grave to tell him horror stories about Goblins and insist that they're true. In this film, Goblins are vegetarian creatures, who can turn into humans. They use their human disguises to trick people into eating their food, which turns them into half-human, half-plant blobs of goo, which they then eat. Joshua and his family, which includes his father, Mike, his mother Diana, and his sister Holly are going on an exchange. If you've seen the movie The Holiday, you'll know what I'm talking about. Two families switch houses for a predetermined amount of time as opposed to being normal human beings and going on a real vacation.

The Waits family is going to a small town called Nilbog, which just so happens to be occupied by about 25 Goblins. And despite Joshua's urgings, the family doesn't leave, despite Grandpa Seth goading him into peeing on the dining room table to prevent them from eating Goblin food.

Holly Waits is having issues of her own. Her gay boyfriend Elliot has settled in a RV outside Nilbog limits with his "friends" and Holly wants to force him to make a decision between living in a gay orgy in the RV or going into the closet and having a relationship with her. Unfortunately for Elliot, two of his "friends" are abducted by the Goblin leader Creedence Leonore Gielgud (of Ancient Druid Origins, according go her), who essentially looks like a homely librarian and acts like a community theater player who finally had a chance to play the villain and is going to milk that evil teat for all it is worth.

Eventually Joshua discovers that Nilbog is, in fact, Goblin spells backwards, despite Grandpa Seth informing him that Nilbog is the Kingdom of the Goblins, and the conflict between his family and the "Monstrous Beings" (As Joshua calls them) comes to a head in which a "Double decker bologna sandwich" serves as the deus ex machina of the film.

This film is so bad it must be celebrated, it must be lifted to the heavens so that all in the world may come to know its wretchedness.

Seriously, find this movie, find it on the internet, get it from Netflix, buy it for 5 bucks at a dollar store or something, but you HAVE to see this movie. Preferably with friends, and drinking would probably help.

Here is just a taste of what this movie has to offer. And if are not enticed by this, then I cannot help you.

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